Thursday, June 15, 2006
Song of the moment - Take That, Everything Changes
I was on the train on the way home. As I started to plug in and zone out, I stared blankly at the guy opposite me. What began as a casual glance soon became a quizzical stare. Am I looking right? This guy has a slight resemblance to my Primary School class mate! But.. but.. but.. NO WAY!
If my eyesight, memory and gut feel serve me well and if this guy really is my classmate from primary school... woah... he has changed.. a lot! Let's call him Mr J. Mr J in primary school, was a total wuss... he would cry at the slightest thing; was very quiet; to a certain extent, was bullied a fair bit; somewhat on the feminine side; hung out more with females; quite scrawny... yeah... But the guy sitting in front of me... 360 degree change! He's beefed up, tanned, wearing beach wear, with a funky hair do. And hanging out with a guy friend!
Ok, some of you must be wondering... so where's does this resemblance come in? Well, it's his eyes and face shape. They haven't changed (though there is the addition of some acne). I did try to steal a few more glances at him just to be sure, but I didn't want to try to make it too obvious.
Wow... how people change... it's really fascinating. But I guess the biggest change is comparing urself during primary school and right now (ok.. if you are a secondary school student now.. it doesn't count! Wait a few more years). Cos during primary school, one would be still naive... childish even (but I have to admit, primary school students these days are growing up way too fast). I remember those " I dun friend you" moments... and then the next moment, you were the best of friends! Ha ha.. how amusing. In Primary school, one would be more carefree, less responsibilities, less corrupted by life, impressionable. Compare that to now: stress level has gone up quite a few notches; life gets complicated; there are these species called guys; there is this thing called image; you are judged as an adult; you have responsibilities; you're jaded... sigh... 101 questions with no answers
I wonder just how much have i changed since primary school? I know I definitely have, but for better or worse? Did i become meaner? Have I become more street wise? More cynical? hmmm.... time to ask certain people around me that question...
If my eyesight, memory and gut feel serve me well and if this guy really is my classmate from primary school... woah... he has changed.. a lot! Let's call him Mr J. Mr J in primary school, was a total wuss... he would cry at the slightest thing; was very quiet; to a certain extent, was bullied a fair bit; somewhat on the feminine side; hung out more with females; quite scrawny... yeah... But the guy sitting in front of me... 360 degree change! He's beefed up, tanned, wearing beach wear, with a funky hair do. And hanging out with a guy friend!
Ok, some of you must be wondering... so where's does this resemblance come in? Well, it's his eyes and face shape. They haven't changed (though there is the addition of some acne). I did try to steal a few more glances at him just to be sure, but I didn't want to try to make it too obvious.
Wow... how people change... it's really fascinating. But I guess the biggest change is comparing urself during primary school and right now (ok.. if you are a secondary school student now.. it doesn't count! Wait a few more years). Cos during primary school, one would be still naive... childish even (but I have to admit, primary school students these days are growing up way too fast). I remember those " I dun friend you" moments... and then the next moment, you were the best of friends! Ha ha.. how amusing. In Primary school, one would be more carefree, less responsibilities, less corrupted by life, impressionable. Compare that to now: stress level has gone up quite a few notches; life gets complicated; there are these species called guys; there is this thing called image; you are judged as an adult; you have responsibilities; you're jaded... sigh... 101 questions with no answers
I wonder just how much have i changed since primary school? I know I definitely have, but for better or worse? Did i become meaner? Have I become more street wise? More cynical? hmmm.... time to ask certain people around me that question...
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
I want to be (insert profession here) when I grow up
Recently I was intrigued with a newspaper report. They are going to start a course which teaches students how to deal. Deal as in cards. Shuffling, gambling etc. It's not a couselling course where they deal with issues (though that would be pretty interesting too). It costs S$4500 for a 6 month (or 12 month, can't remember) course where they teach you everything there is to know about working in a casino. Although you end up with a certification, they do stop short of guaranteeing a place in the soon to be open Integrated Resort (IR).
I thought it was pretty cool. I have always been attracted to the unconventional. Unfortunately, I guess I am born in the wrong place. Being in PRACTICAL Singapore, I have been told many a time that "no, don't do this, don't do that, cannot survive in Singapore, the playing field is too small" blah blah blah... god.. how tiresome
Once upon a time, I had wanted to be a marine biologist. Yeah. Cool job. Swim with sharks and other sea animals. Learn how to preserve their presence for the next generation. Do something that's meaningful and for a good cause, yet at the same time, enjoy it: sun, sand, sea. But that went kaputt because studying the subject meant that i had to go overseas. Add to that the chances that i will most likely not even return (because to be in that line, Singapore just didn't cut it... unless u see urself working in the underwater World all your life). My parents were dead against that (yes yes... havoc daughter... ). So that dream sunk to the bottom of the sea... *blub blub blub*. And up to this day, they are against me taking diving lessons...
Bartending was another passion. I like the idea of experimenting: mixing different poisons to get something unique. Of course the fun part was testing it out. Not to mention the different pretty hues and techniques used (eg frosting the glass, getting the layers etc). I also thought it was pretty cool to do all those juggling and throwing of bottles. And to me, bartending will let you meet people from all walks of life. And to a certain extent, what you make, helps to make them happy (get high, forget stuff etc). That's public service! I remember going to the library to borrow books on different cocktails, their recipes and how to make them and what kind of glasses to serve them in. I even bought the cocktail shaker and measuring apparatus. Of course I stopped short of trying to do the juggling act. I think Dad won't be too pleased to find missing bottles of Smirnoff vodka gone from his liquor stash... in one day... and it would be a real waste!
But of course, the job got family disapproval. They didn't think it was a decent profession for a female; they felt that the working environment was seedy; they felt that the working hours were unhealthy; they felt the pay was meagre; they felt that there was no future prospects... In one word: NO. Sigh... so with that, bartending went down the drain and I have to be content with nursing my drinks instead of making them.
Then came the aspiration to be a DJ. I like the idea of playing music and talking on air. Of course, that fell short as well. Dad felt that there were no prospects and the playing field wasn't big enough. I guess he didn't see the possibility that as a DJ you could be host as well, or even start your own events company. Look at the likes of Joe Augustin, Hamish Brown, The Flying Dutchmen and even Desmond Koh. They all have very successful careers, and it's still growing...
I guess I haven't found a passion that has made me want to go all out for it. To defy even my parents and prove them wrong. I know they are protective and have my best interests. But sometimes I ponder over the " What If" factor... what if I had taken that route? Would I be more successful now? Would I be enjoying what I am doing? At least there's a purpose. Right now, it's more for the daily dole... Nothing else. There's a certain part of me that regrets studying marketing. The safest route. The one which will ensure some form of employability. Was that really my calling? Am I enjoying it? Or is it really just a skill set to prepare for retirement?
What if I had gone overseas to study? I'm pretty sure things would be different. My life would be different. In fact, it may have been better and not worse. Perhaps, ironically, I would have found the true meaning of family ties and become closer instead of being detached. Perhaps I would learn more about being thrifty, or maybe be even more independent. And what makes them so sure that I will end up with an ang moh??? For all you know, I will be more greatful for local guys.. Jeez...
Oh well... it's time to start looking for that undiscovered passion... before it's really too late.
I thought it was pretty cool. I have always been attracted to the unconventional. Unfortunately, I guess I am born in the wrong place. Being in PRACTICAL Singapore, I have been told many a time that "no, don't do this, don't do that, cannot survive in Singapore, the playing field is too small" blah blah blah... god.. how tiresome
Once upon a time, I had wanted to be a marine biologist. Yeah. Cool job. Swim with sharks and other sea animals. Learn how to preserve their presence for the next generation. Do something that's meaningful and for a good cause, yet at the same time, enjoy it: sun, sand, sea. But that went kaputt because studying the subject meant that i had to go overseas. Add to that the chances that i will most likely not even return (because to be in that line, Singapore just didn't cut it... unless u see urself working in the underwater World all your life). My parents were dead against that (yes yes... havoc daughter... ). So that dream sunk to the bottom of the sea... *blub blub blub*. And up to this day, they are against me taking diving lessons...
Bartending was another passion. I like the idea of experimenting: mixing different poisons to get something unique. Of course the fun part was testing it out. Not to mention the different pretty hues and techniques used (eg frosting the glass, getting the layers etc). I also thought it was pretty cool to do all those juggling and throwing of bottles. And to me, bartending will let you meet people from all walks of life. And to a certain extent, what you make, helps to make them happy (get high, forget stuff etc). That's public service! I remember going to the library to borrow books on different cocktails, their recipes and how to make them and what kind of glasses to serve them in. I even bought the cocktail shaker and measuring apparatus. Of course I stopped short of trying to do the juggling act. I think Dad won't be too pleased to find missing bottles of Smirnoff vodka gone from his liquor stash... in one day... and it would be a real waste!
But of course, the job got family disapproval. They didn't think it was a decent profession for a female; they felt that the working environment was seedy; they felt that the working hours were unhealthy; they felt the pay was meagre; they felt that there was no future prospects... In one word: NO. Sigh... so with that, bartending went down the drain and I have to be content with nursing my drinks instead of making them.
Then came the aspiration to be a DJ. I like the idea of playing music and talking on air. Of course, that fell short as well. Dad felt that there were no prospects and the playing field wasn't big enough. I guess he didn't see the possibility that as a DJ you could be host as well, or even start your own events company. Look at the likes of Joe Augustin, Hamish Brown, The Flying Dutchmen and even Desmond Koh. They all have very successful careers, and it's still growing...
I guess I haven't found a passion that has made me want to go all out for it. To defy even my parents and prove them wrong. I know they are protective and have my best interests. But sometimes I ponder over the " What If" factor... what if I had taken that route? Would I be more successful now? Would I be enjoying what I am doing? At least there's a purpose. Right now, it's more for the daily dole... Nothing else. There's a certain part of me that regrets studying marketing. The safest route. The one which will ensure some form of employability. Was that really my calling? Am I enjoying it? Or is it really just a skill set to prepare for retirement?
What if I had gone overseas to study? I'm pretty sure things would be different. My life would be different. In fact, it may have been better and not worse. Perhaps, ironically, I would have found the true meaning of family ties and become closer instead of being detached. Perhaps I would learn more about being thrifty, or maybe be even more independent. And what makes them so sure that I will end up with an ang moh??? For all you know, I will be more greatful for local guys.. Jeez...
Oh well... it's time to start looking for that undiscovered passion... before it's really too late.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Death becomes her
Had a really weird dream last night. Some would classify it as morbid. Others, when told, would probably give me that look, suggesting that I'm not a filial daughter. Oh well.. here goes.
I dreamt that I was at my Mum's wake. Cause of death unknown, but the dream started with her wake. It seemed to be held at a funeral parlour. But the weirdest thing was, the coffin was right smack in the centre. In addition, it was covered with hoardings (like those used at the perimeters of construction sites) in the shape of a circle. There was of course, an opening. with an alter, to pay one's respects.
That's not it. What takes the cake is, it's a really old coffin. The kind where the chinese vampires (jiang1 shi1) seem to favour so much. Scary part? It wasn't closed. Instead, it was filled to the brim with rice (uncooked). You can't see the corpse. But you can see my Mum's right hand sticking out of the mountain of rice, clenching 3 joss sticks in between her fingers, which were lit.
What followed was me visiting other peoples' wakes. People whom I don't even know. Weird. But the one involving my mum kinda made me go cold. What was it supposed to mean? In the dream, a felt a sense of relief because she went before my father. Had it been the other way, I'm pretty sure it's going to be a very complicated issue. I saw my Dad in the dream too. And we were wearing bright orange polo shirts (weird yes?)
Was telling my manager about it and he was saying that dreaming of death does not necessarily come with a negative meaning. Businessmen are known to buy small coffins and placing them on their tables as it's supposed to bring good luck... right....
So am I supposed to have a win fall soon? I dunno... World Cup season is coming ya know....
I dreamt that I was at my Mum's wake. Cause of death unknown, but the dream started with her wake. It seemed to be held at a funeral parlour. But the weirdest thing was, the coffin was right smack in the centre. In addition, it was covered with hoardings (like those used at the perimeters of construction sites) in the shape of a circle. There was of course, an opening. with an alter, to pay one's respects.
That's not it. What takes the cake is, it's a really old coffin. The kind where the chinese vampires (jiang1 shi1) seem to favour so much. Scary part? It wasn't closed. Instead, it was filled to the brim with rice (uncooked). You can't see the corpse. But you can see my Mum's right hand sticking out of the mountain of rice, clenching 3 joss sticks in between her fingers, which were lit.
What followed was me visiting other peoples' wakes. People whom I don't even know. Weird. But the one involving my mum kinda made me go cold. What was it supposed to mean? In the dream, a felt a sense of relief because she went before my father. Had it been the other way, I'm pretty sure it's going to be a very complicated issue. I saw my Dad in the dream too. And we were wearing bright orange polo shirts (weird yes?)
Was telling my manager about it and he was saying that dreaming of death does not necessarily come with a negative meaning. Businessmen are known to buy small coffins and placing them on their tables as it's supposed to bring good luck... right....
So am I supposed to have a win fall soon? I dunno... World Cup season is coming ya know....
Saturday, June 03, 2006
A time to remember
Death has been on my mind recently. Kame's friend just died in an accident. Clearly, Kame was quite shocked by her sudden departure. That friend was after all, only 28. Still young and full of vibrancy. And Kame just talked to her recently. A life, just snuffed out like that.
Ah... death... It brought me back to a friend who passed away just as suddenly when I was in Secondary school. I was very close to this boy. He was my next door neighbour at my old place and we spent a lot of time together. We went to the same school and took the same bus to school and back. We played basketball in our free time. I still remember an incident where he accidently hit me with a basketball. The knock on the head was painful and I just sat there crying. I guess he felt bad. And he actually took the basketball, offered it to me, and told me to hit him on the head with it. And surprisingly, i took up the offer. Yeah... I took up the offer... Gosh... the knock on the head must have been hard, for me to do that. Looking back, it's just plain amusing.
He was also a regular over at my house, especially on Saturdays. Him, my bro and myself would battle it out over our Famicom sets. We also had the company of Hyena and Black Adder. Many months were spent playing Mario, Street Fighter, Legend of Mana and Zelda. He came over so often, that my parents always called him "the boy next door". We read the same comics and exchanged them as well. Needless to say, Slam Dunk was our bible at that time.
The turning point came in Secondary 3. Prior to that, we weren't in the same class, he was just next door to my class. But in Sec 3, his class and mine merged for Chinese lessons. But it was also in Sec 3 that he moved out from the house. I guess with only his Mum and him in such a big house (his dad's always in Malaysia), they decided to move to somewhere smaller? Nonetheless, we still met up in school, played and talked, albeit our time together was lesser.
His death happened in Sec 4 during the 1 week September holidays. It was announced over morning assembly when school started and the news just took the wind out of me. I can remember the words clearly till this day: "He passed away suddenly"... Passed away suddenly? What the hell? Denial set in. It's got to be a joke. Wrong person. I just saw him earlier that week in school for remedial class. What do you mean he's dead? Reality hit only in Chinese class. He didn't appear at his seat. Staring into the empty space, that was when I really knew he was gone. Really really gone. I remember going home that day after a dazed day at school, locking myself up in my room and just crying.
The rest of the week didn't fare any better. The search for answers began. But no one could provide the answers. I didn't know his new address to ask his Mum. The school only said that he suddenly had an onset of high fever. He was sent to hospital but the doctor couldn't diagnose what it was. And he died, just like that. That sliver of information didn't provide the closure that I needed. Matter were made worse by the reaction of other classmates. They didn't seem to be too concerned about his death. Me on the other hand was still struggling to come to terms with it. My friends didn't seem to understand why it hit me so hard.
Did I like him? Maybe I did. He did have his irritating moments which i couldn't take. But nonetheless, he was still a friend. A companion. Someone who meant a lot to me. I didn't know why he had to die so young? Till this day, I wonder, what would he have been if he had been given the chance to live? What would he be like now? Would we have grown closer or further apart? But of course.. these would just remain as questions, cos there is no one who can answer me.
As the saying goes, you just dun appreciate them till they are gone, be it your parents or your friends that you take for granted... petty arguements, misunderstandings and miscommunications just add to it. Sometimes, you have to just dive deeper into things and take the first step to find out what's wrong. Look at the bigger picture. Could I have spent more time with him? I could have but I didn't. Did I notice that there may have been something wrong with him when I met him? I didn't notice. Could I have prevented his death? Maybe I could if I had been more vigilant.
Rest in peace Junxian. I miss you.
Ah... death... It brought me back to a friend who passed away just as suddenly when I was in Secondary school. I was very close to this boy. He was my next door neighbour at my old place and we spent a lot of time together. We went to the same school and took the same bus to school and back. We played basketball in our free time. I still remember an incident where he accidently hit me with a basketball. The knock on the head was painful and I just sat there crying. I guess he felt bad. And he actually took the basketball, offered it to me, and told me to hit him on the head with it. And surprisingly, i took up the offer. Yeah... I took up the offer... Gosh... the knock on the head must have been hard, for me to do that. Looking back, it's just plain amusing.
He was also a regular over at my house, especially on Saturdays. Him, my bro and myself would battle it out over our Famicom sets. We also had the company of Hyena and Black Adder. Many months were spent playing Mario, Street Fighter, Legend of Mana and Zelda. He came over so often, that my parents always called him "the boy next door". We read the same comics and exchanged them as well. Needless to say, Slam Dunk was our bible at that time.
The turning point came in Secondary 3. Prior to that, we weren't in the same class, he was just next door to my class. But in Sec 3, his class and mine merged for Chinese lessons. But it was also in Sec 3 that he moved out from the house. I guess with only his Mum and him in such a big house (his dad's always in Malaysia), they decided to move to somewhere smaller? Nonetheless, we still met up in school, played and talked, albeit our time together was lesser.
His death happened in Sec 4 during the 1 week September holidays. It was announced over morning assembly when school started and the news just took the wind out of me. I can remember the words clearly till this day: "He passed away suddenly"... Passed away suddenly? What the hell? Denial set in. It's got to be a joke. Wrong person. I just saw him earlier that week in school for remedial class. What do you mean he's dead? Reality hit only in Chinese class. He didn't appear at his seat. Staring into the empty space, that was when I really knew he was gone. Really really gone. I remember going home that day after a dazed day at school, locking myself up in my room and just crying.
The rest of the week didn't fare any better. The search for answers began. But no one could provide the answers. I didn't know his new address to ask his Mum. The school only said that he suddenly had an onset of high fever. He was sent to hospital but the doctor couldn't diagnose what it was. And he died, just like that. That sliver of information didn't provide the closure that I needed. Matter were made worse by the reaction of other classmates. They didn't seem to be too concerned about his death. Me on the other hand was still struggling to come to terms with it. My friends didn't seem to understand why it hit me so hard.
Did I like him? Maybe I did. He did have his irritating moments which i couldn't take. But nonetheless, he was still a friend. A companion. Someone who meant a lot to me. I didn't know why he had to die so young? Till this day, I wonder, what would he have been if he had been given the chance to live? What would he be like now? Would we have grown closer or further apart? But of course.. these would just remain as questions, cos there is no one who can answer me.
As the saying goes, you just dun appreciate them till they are gone, be it your parents or your friends that you take for granted... petty arguements, misunderstandings and miscommunications just add to it. Sometimes, you have to just dive deeper into things and take the first step to find out what's wrong. Look at the bigger picture. Could I have spent more time with him? I could have but I didn't. Did I notice that there may have been something wrong with him when I met him? I didn't notice. Could I have prevented his death? Maybe I could if I had been more vigilant.
Rest in peace Junxian. I miss you.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Song for the day - Madonna: Holiday
Friends are like Tour Agents. They can give you the cheapest tickets, show you brochures of holiday destinations, give you the best packages, warn you about the perils of each destination, etc. But ultimately, you are the one who chooses the holiday: which destination, how you are going to get there and what you are going to do. It's your life, your holiday, your adventure!
Ah.. inspirational moments....
Ah.. inspirational moments....
